[GRRN] Grass ... and don't smoke it!
RecycleWorlds (anderson@msn.fullfeed.com)
Wed, 22 Sep 1999 11:24:49 -0500
> .> LAWNS
> > Author Unknown
> > I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it
> > die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late.
> >
> > Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside
> > of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's
> > lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so
> > we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step
> > chemical dependency.
> >
> > Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about
> > this:
> >
> > "Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
> > going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions,
> > violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
> > no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
> > withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
> > long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
> > songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all
> > I see are these green rectangles."
> >
> > "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
> > started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill
> > them and replace them with grass."
> >
> > "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
> > butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
> > temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
> > all that grass growing there?"
> >
> > "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
> > green They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
> > other plant that crops up in the lawn."
> >
> > "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really
> > fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
> >
> > "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -
> > sometimes twice a week."
> >
> > "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
> >
> > "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
> >
> > "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
> >
> > "No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
> >
> > "Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
> > And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
> >
> > "Yes, sir."
> >
> > "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
> > the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
> > them a lot of work."
> >
> > "You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so
> > fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
> > continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
> >
> > "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
> > sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
> > in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the
> > autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep
> > moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they
> > rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural
> > circle of life."
> >
> > "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
> > As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have
> > them hauled away."
> >
> > "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and treeroots in the winter
> > and keep the soil moist and loose?"
> >
> > "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they
> > call mulch They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
> > leaves."
> >
> > "And where do they get this mulch?"
> >
> > "They cut down trees and grind them up."
> >
> > "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine,
> > you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
> > tonight?"
> >
> > "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about . . ."
> >
> > "Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
> >