[greenyes] Administration Proposes Action on Energy

["Peter Anderson" <anderson@no.address>]

ADMINISTRATION PROPOSES TO ELIMINATE US DEPENDENCE ON OIL BY 4920

WASHINGTON, DC-President Bush unveiled an aggressive initiative Monday that 
would make the U.S. free of petroleum dependence by the year 4920, less than 
three millennia from now.

"Our mission is clear," Bush said in a speech delivered at Fort Bragg in 
North Carolina. "We must free ourselves from dependence on fossil fuels 
within 85 generations. A cleaner, safer America is my vision. And it is our 
great, great-great-times-80 grandchildren who will realize that vision."

Bush promised a legislative package that would mandate severe cuts in 
oil-production subsidies and provide new funding for alternative-energy 
research and development. According to the timetable he presented, these 
bills could be introduced as early as 3219, and U.S. energy consumers could 
start to see radical changes by the early 42nd century.

"If we don't end our dependence on oil by 4920, when will we end it? 5580? 
By then, it may be too late," Bush said.

Bush called on both Democrats and Republicans living 1,200 years from now to 
work together to pass the program.

"It would be a shame if, by the 33rd century, these bills were still tied up 
in committee. I urge the 712th Congress to pass this legislation with 
minimal partisan gridlock," Bush said.

The president's science advisor, John Marburger, provided more details of 
the energy plan in a press release issued late Monday.

"It is the president's hope that hydrogen fuel cells, nanotechnology, or the 
recycling of human beings into fuel will hold the key," Marburger wrote. 
"Whatever the people of the 50th century feel is appropriate."

In a detailed policy statement, Bush elaborated on the plan, expressing the 
hope that a third party, perhaps one comprising robots or super-intelligent, 
genetically engineered man-beasts, will help reduce America's dependence on 
fossil fuels.

"I am calling on the popularly elected cyborgs of tomorrow to support this 
sensible measure to ensure the security of the nation," Bush said.

Some industrialists, particularly major auto manufacturers, expressed 
reservation over Bush's initiative.

"As admirable as Mr. Bush's visionary pronouncement is, I worry that the 
timetable he proposes is far too ambitious," General Motors CEO Richard 
Wagoner Jr. said. "It is simply not realistic. The automotive industry would 
require an additional three or four thousand years to develop engines that 
can run effectively on renewable or cleaner-burning fuels."

Exxon Mobil CEO Lee Raymond said the petroleum-producing company shares 
Bush's hopes for a cleaner environment "well before the sun turns into a red 
giant and dies."

"Mobil Oil has already made great strides in protecting the precious air and 
water within the television-commercial environment. And we plan to golf 
closely with the U.S. Department of Energy and oil-industry lobbyists to 
ensure that President Bush's initiative comes to pass in the unimaginably 
distant future."

Responding to reporters' questions, Bush admitted that our progeny could 
face challenges in pursuit of the goal, such as the earth's degrading orbit 
and eventual destruction of the moon by tidal force, or the Second Coming of 
Jesus Christ.

"Our distant relations will have some hard work to do," Bush said. "But hard 
work is what built this nation, and I have every faith that they will 
succeed."
The proclamation comes on the heels of Bush's plans to pay off the national 
debt by the early 6300s, and win the war on terror by 7450.


THE ONION - August 10, 2005

_________________________
Peter Anderson, President
RECYCLEWORLDS CONSULTING
4513 Vernon Blvd. Suite 15
Madison, WI 53705-4964
Ph: (608) 231-1100
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Cell: (608) 698-1314
eMail: anderson@no.address
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